So, a friend of mine sent me an article, http://www.blackamericaweb.com/?q=articles/news/baw_commentary_news/10103/2, titled "Don't Outpunt Your Coverage, and You'll Stay in the Game." In summary, the article is about men dating women that are out of their league. The authoress stated that these women don't realize it and should be informed! One example listed was female prison guards having sexual relationships with inmates. She's rallying the women-folk to find a man that can UPGRADE them like the gem that Michelle Obama found. Ha!
So, this article was interesting to me because just the other day my soon to be wed male best friend told me that he's so happy that I'm with my significant other. He said that this is the FIRST time that I've been with someone that he thought deserved me. At the time I sat there and scratched my head and took a mental flashback of my past relationships. Hmmm, not saying that I'm all that, but maybe he was on to something. In my pre-late 20s days my youth and naive nature allowed me to entertain men that, at the time, were so not on my level. I thought I was captain save a dude. I thought I could change everyone for the better. Just ridamndiculous!
My True Hollywood Story: I met a 30 year old man when I was in my early/mid 20s whom I dated for a short period. At the time I was finishing grad school, I had a full time engineering job, no children, perfect credit, spiritually sound, I'd started a successful business, and I was an emerging leader in Rochester due to my involvement with my business. For a 23 year old in Rochester, I wasn't doing to shabby to say the least. So, I quickly realized that although he was 7 years my senior, we didn't have the same goals. Now that I'm a grown & sexy 30+ woman, I wish I could get in Doc's time machine pop in the flex capacitor and slap the piss out of the 23 year old Kasondra!!! Dude had 2 kids when i met him and then 2 more popped up "out the blue." He didn't even have a checking account! WTH? When a 23 year old has to school a 30 year old on banking, there is an issue. The job he had when we met he quit and had dreams of being an NFL star. I mean really, you're in your 30s, do we really need to record your flag football games to send to recruiters? Dude, nobody is recruiting you. Then to further expand on my naive nature, I talked him into going to community college and enrolled in a "101" level class WITH him for encouragement. WTH was I smoking? I got an A and dude got an F because he got caught looking at my final exam lmao! Thank the Lord that by 25 I'd smartened up and upgraded my "dating application" in a major way.
Now that I've given you a good laugh:-)
So, have you entertained a man or woman that wasn't on your level? What makes a person date someone that doesn’t deserve him or her? Self-Esteem? Immaturity? A person not looking for a lifetime partner, therefore, having the option to play around with whomever? Is it wrong to exclude someone from your dating pool because they "aren't on your level?" Some may say that you should put on your cape, slap the diamond S on your chest and help to get the person to your level.
Readers, talk to me!
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LOL That WAS a funny story. Kind of on a tangent, on the Donnie Simpson radio show this morning during the relationship advice section, a lady commented that some guys strive for women they can't handle sometimes. Especially those that say they will only date "dimes" even though they are not "dime" worthy themselves. Like she said it costs $$ to maintain the lifestyle of a woman so into her looks 24/7. They guys usually are cheap, broke or not even good looking themselves to get one. So sometimes guys can set themselves up for failure in a reverse kind when a woman "outpunts".
--Jamal
That was so funny! But the even funnier part is that any woman that is almost 30 can DEFINITELY relate to that.
So...to answer the question: YES! Be selective about who you date. I think the lack of pickyness is what have women in the situation they are in now when they just accept any Joe-Schmo because he has a job with benefits. WAKE UP Ladies! There is so much more out there to receive than a man with a job that has benefits. Since so many women in this era are so driven by their career why not make your dating criteria as selective as your career criteria. Would you work hard and get paid less? Would you expend all of your energy for minimal to no reciprocation? If you have credentials that say you are entitled to XYZ don't settle for ABC.
DC Diva
That was funny! Anyway, I think the main thing is if the man's goals are in line with where you see yourself going. If not, then you don't even need to consider him. If his goals are in line, then it becomes a matter of whether or not he is actively persuing his goals, without your help or backing. Then I think he can be considered. When you come into the picture, your support/encouragement should be a boost. I don't think it comes down to money. I think is comes down to the amount of initiative and action in the man. It's all individual though. Some men do have the drive and passion and the supportive woman. Then when they reach the goals that woman supporterd them through, they leave. That's that bullisht Lado.
I so agree Tam!
That is why I specifically stated that although he was 7 years my senior we didn't have the same goals. I was cool with making more money and being more progressive at the moment. I wasn't cool with his only goal in life being a 30+ year old newly recruited running back. WTH?
I need to see that you have the drive to make things happen for us. If you do, I will be your #1 cheerleader and assist in anyway to get you to your goal.
1. So, have you entertained a man or woman that wasn't on your level? YES I HAVE, QUITE A FEW TIMES. IT'S QUITE EMBARESSING TOO. 2. What makes a person date someone that doesn’t deserve him or her? FOR ME, IT WAS SHEAR BOREDOM, ATTENTION, MONEY, ETC.
3. Is it wrong to exclude someone from your dating pool because they "aren't on your level?" NO, IT'S NOT WRONG TO EXCLUDE ANY MAN FOR ANY REASON. HELL, IF YOU'RE OFFERED A JOB WHERE THE PAY IS WACK, AS ARE THE BENEFITS, YOU POLITELY DECLINE. AND @ 29, I POLITELY DECLINE MEN WHO AREN'T ON MY LEVEL. MATTER OF FACT, I NEED YOU A FEW FLOORS UP FROM ME.
Hey Kasondra:
I decided to give your blog a look. Interesting topics.
I have dated guys who were not on my level of either; maturity, communication or spirituality.
I could always hang intellectually. The guys I was serious about usually had finances and education at or above my level...now that I think about it, 3 became doctors (medical or PH.D).
Dang, I betta bust out that PH.D in the next 5 years.
I have dated a cop/paratrooper, 3 players -- that I did not know were players, a guy with not a single ounce of ambition and even went out on a few dates with a guy who worked at Pizza Hut...he was not 'making anything great'
Commitment was the usual deal breaker for me. Some guys I thought were fine as hell, I would not even touch b/c I could see how they were with other chicks.
Never liked dating, enjoyed just being with my dang self over nonsense. 'Reindeer games' would have me bounce in a NY second. LOL, I once told this guy in college "I am not into geometric shapes, so this love triangle 'you' trying to create is over". Even in the midst of pain, the intellect was sharp as hell. Corny, but sharp as hell, lol!
Renee
Kasondra you know half of my stories... Hell, you introduce me to one and I married the other. LOL
I had a few... Lord what was I thinking...
You are right I felt like I could save them or change them. We can't change anyone; a person has to want better for themselves.
I'm at a point in my life now that if you aren't a "Man of God" I don't want you. Not saying you won't have issues but he will know how to get back on track according to God's word. I just know I deserve the BEST. It took me a little while to realize that!
Not to mention I will be 35 this year... I'm far too old to have the police running in my house etc. etc.
I will never forget this day as long as I live. I was sitting around a mix of couples and single folk and a single friend and I were listing our qualifications on what we will accept and will NOT accept from a mate. And one girl tells us that our standards are too high, we will never find a man and we should settle like she did (and YES, her boyfriend was in the room when she said this…and oh by the way, they did “settle” down and got married). I was shocked to say the least. What self-respecting Black woman would tell another self-respecting Black woman to “settle” for just any old negro?
And yes, I will admit, I attempted to diversify my male portfolio by talking to guys who were not on my “level”…but it just can’t and doesn’t work. How do you have a conversation about politics, current affairs, economics, something other than who sang what song and who dissed who on what mixtape? How can we talk about going places if you have never been anywhere? I’ve never had the patience to raise someone else’s child. I’ve always had the belief that any man that wants to be with me will raise himself to my standards!!!
Many females who lack confidence in themselves will always settle for what they can get. Females who don’t know who they are and what they want will always settle for less than what they deserve. You can’t get what you want if you don’t know what you want. Women without standards will always settle.
I for one have stands and no matter what will always get approached by men who are of a certain caliber, anything less would be uncivilized!!!
Tell em' Sonya! I'm so proud, so proud.
Screaming "Aenon! Yeah yeah" in my Ice Cube "we be clubbin" voice!
Hahahaha, very funny story and I can so relate. I mean I would get so upset when I was told several times by different people that my man at the time wasn't on my level. Now that I look back I get an uneasy feeling because I wonder how many other people thought that but never said it. But I find comfort in knowing that I liked this person for who he was and for his driven desires, regardless of his circumstance. Now if he didn't have any ambitions then I would have to check myself.
We were from two different worlds and he was 8 years older. I always felt he should have been further along in life. I tried to stick it out but then enough was enough. I still wonder if I made the right choice bc I would want someone to stick it out with me, but I ended it and I believe this decision was best for me.
I wonder if one of my boyfriends ever felt that they were above my level....I kind of would prefer it anyway....well maybe the same level..lol
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